At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
