I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
should my penis look like a turkey
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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