i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
