Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
