so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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