is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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