The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
