Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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