It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
