I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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