Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
