the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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