Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.