I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.