i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.