All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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