just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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