Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
