i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
