I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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