For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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