the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
