He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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