Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
