I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
