He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
