If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
