turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
