how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
