i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
