I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
