6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
