my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
