Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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