i would punch a child for taco bell
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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