Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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