I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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