Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
