i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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