my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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