just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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