I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
