I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
