Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
