That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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