She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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