On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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