Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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