tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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