Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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