Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
