Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
