4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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