In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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