That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
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plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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