why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
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