just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
