Got a toothbrush?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
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