News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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