would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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