tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
soo... how was my night?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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